After 32 years, I was 6 months gone before I made a brief return.
It's official, this is home now. There was nothing back there for me. It never was home.
I'd been architecting a pivot in my life for years. I was well on my way before Covid.
I was anticipating my sons going away to college and not returning. I intended to be free enough to follow them.
I had already been remotely working on an island. I had a trip to Costa Rica planned.
Then, 48hrs of unforeseeable events unfolded, exacerbated by Covid shutting the world down immediately after.
What followed was extreme emotional, physical and financial damage. All involving people I'd helped in so many ways.
The truth is, it never should have happened. Really, it never should have started.
Why was I feeling deja vu? How did I find myself here again?
In my intimate relationship, it was already starting to feel familiar:
- Continually surrounded by an ever-rotating cast of young adults who were using their personal belongings, house, personal property and car, in exchange for dog-sitting, lunch delivery, childcare etc to handle their daily lives for them.
- Vastly overstated accomplishments and contributions with underwhelming and overhyped results.
- "Entrepreneurs" with no concept of money whose employees constantly quit and whose "businesses" would eventually die as expected.
- Distorted reality on a spectrum from a pathological liar to selectively-edited story teller, spun like a public relations pro either way.
- Self-professed mentors, teachers, healers, advocates etc talking about helping other people.
- "Best mom" storytellers with an history of pushing off those responsibilities on anyone they could. Usually, their cadre of personal assistants.
- Foolishly spontaneous and short-sighted decision making driven by the need for immediate self-gratification.
There was always a ridiculous explanation, tailored to the eventual outcome, that never aligned with their intentions upto that point.
I've always been a big proponent of not blaming other people for your own experience. I don't blame them, I blame myself for allowing it.
But what got me in another relationship with a selfish and needy person?
I had to accept that it was me. That I am the one constantly offering help, that these were the same reasons I was already cutting baggage loose since before the pandemic.
I was putting more into the relationships than I was getting out of them. Even personal friendships.
Unfortunately, more problems were right around the corner. A real estate engagement I was entering into with "friends" went sideways. But again, I can't blame them. I shouldn't have trusted "friends", who were best friends long before I was in the picture.
Needless to say, the Covid lockdown gave me a lot of time to think. Alone.
I sat with the pieces of my life I'd worked so hard to build.
I had to pick up the pieces literally, and go back to the drawing board.
I sold my house. My car. Gave away everything else. And cut loose.
I still had my goal in sight, even if I didn't know exactly what it looked like.
I was planning a long term strategy to make a significant change. I was re-aligning once again.
Then, out of nowhere, another route presented itself. I seized the opportunity.
And, took a giant leap.
It took some trial and error.
But, years of dreams came true.
Cheers to the next chapter!
